Issues of Avoidance

I have a problem. One I really need to rectify.

Whenever I know something will bother me, be it my MasterCard bill or my targets at work, I will avoid it and pretend it doesn't exist. It's sort of a "if I can't see it, it isn't there" kind of thing.
And in most situations avoidance works for only so long...unfortunately. The bill will eventually show up in the mailbox, and the boss will eventually pull you aside and tell you to improve etc...

Okay, so this isn't really a "problem"...it's an ill-advised tactic to buy myself as much time as possible before the inevitable.

But I just can't bear to look at this stuff when I already know it's something I could do without during my day. Why bother bringing myself down even further? Oh right, because in avoiding and ignoring it, it's actually getting worse! Some things have a way of subconsciously bleeding into other facets of your life when pushed aside for too long...like a malignant tumor.

Alright, I've convinced myself...I'm looking at my MasterCard bill....

I resolve to...

Resolutions. That is the topic of this post. It seems that conversations which take place the week between Christmas and New Year's are littered with the question: "What are your New Year's resolutions?" I never really put much effort or weight into making resolutions...or keeping them. They were always typical: lose 10 pounds, be more content with my life...blah blah blah. Totally pointless and thoughtless. This year I resolve to make better ones. (Ha!)

1) I will -try- to write more often. Be it stories, poetry, or in a journal (online or otherwise). Even editing would suffice. I want to be more creative. I am going to use the idea of a friend of mine and have set days for writing. Perhaps a routine will help...

2) I am going to figure out what it is I want from my job. I'll have been at BCAA 2 years in the spring. I think now is as good a time as any to decide if I want to continue with this vocation, or take the necessary steps to move on to another.I don't think I'm jumping the gun here. I've been getting constant questions from my manager along the lines of what it is exactly that I want out of BCAA.

3) Do more within Victoria. I live in an amazing city. It has so much to offer in the way of entertainment, museum and art exhibits, and recreation. I hardly take advantage of these things. Most of the time I have the excuse that I can't find anyone who wants to go with me. Unfortunately, not everyone is interested in theatre and art. But if I can treat myself to lunch every so often, why can't I take myself to the theatre. Sometimes I feel I am the best company I can have! It's really too bad that there is a stigma attached to going to the theatre or movies alone.

So, those are my three resolutions. Not too unrealistic. I'll write in a year and tell how I fared!

An otherworldly month...

Things that happened in March:

#1) My mom called to tell me that my Auntie Deb (her older sister by about 5 years) has a malignant form of breast cancer. Lots of fun to hear that. So now that I have breast cancer in both sides of my family, I really have to be more conscience of it as a risk to my health. I'm more worried about my mom that myself though. She's at that age where women are more likely to develop cancer. Anyway, although I'm not looking forward to having my boob squashed for a mammogram, I'd rather go through that than a mastectomy...scary thought. Wouldn't want to lose one of my assets!

#2) In the same conversation I had with my mom, she told me that my Aunt Min passed away. She was my grandmother's aunt on my mom's side...which makes her my great great aunt, although we never called her that. She was 98, so her memorial was more a celebration of her life than a mourning for her passing. I'm sure she was more than ready for whatever comes next, but I know a lot of us will miss her.

#3) Sasha tried to set me up with her friend that sells skim boards...or his friend that sells plumbing...or both. I can't remember. She seems to think that I'm single because I don't put myself "out there" and I don't chat people up. It took me 3 blocks to convince her that I want to be single. This isn't an affliction, it's a choice!

#4) I got my passport! Paris is on baby! YES! This just makes it all the more real that I'll be in Paris in a month and a half. I can hardly wait. It's going to be so amazing. The Louvre, Rodin's museum, the Sacre Coeur, Versailles, Monet's house, Chartres, Notre Dame...C'est tres magnifique!

#5) I found out a friend of mine almost died in a car accident. Granted it was totally his fault (he was driving on the highway and looked down at his cell only to look up again and see that the car in front of him had braked. He braked, slid on the wet road and rolled his car.) How he survived without a scratch I'll never know. He sent me pictures of his car and it's crazy to think he just walked away...

#6) I found out my best friend's now ex-boyfriend is the most duplicitous, self-involved, manipulative, lying, metrosexual to ever live. I have never known a 36 year old man to act with such immaturity. To make a long story short, this "man" violated her privacy and broke into her email history and her journal to gather evidence of her supposed unfaithful actions. He composed a vicious 19 page email in which he insulted her beyond necessity. He acted like a caring boyfriend on the outside, when in reality he was harbouring violent anger towards her for months. I hate him for hurting her. I hate him for not being man enough to break up with her in a dignified way. I hate him for making her think that she cannot be the beautiful, trusting and amazing person she is, for fear of meeting another psychotic like him.

#7) I realized I'm the only single girl at my work...

#8) My sister told me she got her nipples pierced. Shhh, don't tell my mom...she must NEVER know. Funny side note though, Liz was shocked to hear I considered getting mine done a couple years ago, and still do on occasion. Although I'm not sure it would suit me...any thoughts?

#9) According to the dragon horoscope I'm in love with my ex-boyfriend's best friend...go figure.

#10) I don't write as much as I used to. I'm not sure of the reason. Perhaps my job has drained me of inspiration, or energy, or both...I'm planning on taking my notebook to Paris with me and I'm hoping that travelling to a city I've always wanted to visit, photograph and write about will help me get out of my funk.

#11) My job may be monotonous but it gives me incredible opportunities to people watch. This month alone I have met a very eccentric man who wears the world's most obvious toupee along with a pair of Jackie O sun glasses (very studio 54), a persistent European who won't take no for an answer...ever, a man who actually smells like cheese whiz, and a fairly nice gentleman who does not know when he has out-stayed his welcome, even though he has been talking and inquiring at the agent's desk for well over an hour (Poor Sue actually had to fake having an appointment to make him leave). If anything these people make the day more interesting. That being said, I am so happy I have Friday off and I don't have to deal with customer neuroses for at least 24 hours.

#12) I applied for and received my first credit card. I know, I'm such a dork...but I'm really excited about this! I can buy stuff online! It's such a novelty. Hello Amazon.com....

Pretty eventful month hey? And I thought I had nothing to write about...I guess all I needed was a free night to let it all surface and a rum and coke...

Musings...

While at work today I was looking through my other blog, the one I have used specifically for being really bitchy, and to my infinite surprise found a "positive" entry I forgot I wrote. It's one I like because it's about memories I have from my childhood. It was a fun one to write too, because I wasn't complaining, judging or being negative...just thoughtful. So because most of what I've been writing about is negative crap, I thought I'd share something positive for a change.

"Until the city fixed them, the drains on Eland Drive would overflow and run down the hill to Springbok Road. In the winter, these rivers would freeze over and become icy slip 'n slides. So, coming home from elementary school, or when we were bored, we would slide down the ice slides into the street below. We'd try to slide down on our feet the entire way down. Nine times out of ten we would end up on our well-insulated asses. It was a substitute for tobogganing, since it rarely snowed.

"Looking back on my childhood, it seems we always invented playgrounds. Not that we didn't have any man-made playgrounds. We just liked playing in the back alley or empty lots more. More room to innovate new games. Only in the Beaver Lodge Lands could we set traps for slugs. Only in our basement could we have made a fort out of a fridge box and deck chairs. It was the best thing ever, until my mom refused to let us sleep in it. It was because of our forts that my dad learned to store the deck chairs in the garage. If he left them in the basement, they became building material. So, for fear that we would break his precious investments, he learned to keep them elsewhere during the winter.

"None of this is of particular interest to you is it? At the very least it's amusing. I realized that I usually write about negative things such as people or events that piss me off. I figured I'd change it up a bit and write about something which is completely inoffensive, even frivolous.

"I think it's important to remember your childhood. It keeps you young. It reminds you to have fun and to not take things so seriously. It makes me laugh to think that when I was 9 I couldn't wait to be older. I couldn't wait to be in high school with make up, breasts, high heels. And now, I wish I didn't have to wear make up or bras to look presentable (I will always love high heels though). I wish I could make forts with deck furniture and slide down frozen ice all day...and not look insane. Instead I spend my time working at a job that does not inspire me, and freaking out about my future and my life's direction...if it even has one. Why is it our lot to always want to be where we aren't? A child wants nothing more than to be grown up and a grown up wants nothing more than to be a carefree child...or retired. Why can we never live in the present? When I'm no longer 22 I'll wish I still was. Maybe it's because we are taught to think about what happens next and never what is happening now. Right now, I have all the opportunity and choice in the world. I have no boundaries...except monetary ones. I have my health and youth. I can take whichever direction I want in life. You have all these things too. For some reason all this choice scares me. I want someone to tell me what to do...don't you? I don't feel informed or experienced enough to know what to do with my own life! Jesus...

"This digressed VERY far from where I began...aren't those the best letters and conversations though? I think so. Less contrived and much more honest."

"Colourful" Language

Have you ever experienced being a guest in a bilingual household where the dominant language spoken was not English, but one you did not understand at all? And instead of speaking English, your host speaks this other language to the other members of the house while you're in the room, knowing full well that you do not understand a word being said. Would you consider this rude?

I would, and do.

Twice in 3 days was I put in a situation where the majority of people present spoke two languages: English and either Punjabi or Spanish.

The first instance was with my supervisor from work. The plan was we would get a ride to the ferry together (to save the company my cab fare) for a conference in Vancouver. However, on the way we had to stop at her parents house so that her father-in-law could drive the car to the ferry and let us walk on. I figured it would be a 15 minute stop at most. Nope. We were there for over an hour. Normally, this wouldn't bother me at all. Except in this situation everyone around me was speaking in Punjabi. Hardly any English was spoken. I felt like a deaf-mute. I could neither listen to the conversation nor contribute to it. It was as if they were purposely excluding me from the conversation, because not only is there no way they did not know I couldn't speak Punjabi but also the father-in-law finally acknowledged my existence after more than half an hour in clear English. I couldn't help but be pissed off by the situation. I couldn't even watch the TV because it had Punjabi-speaking shows on.

The second situation was much different. While in Vancouver I roomed with a girl, Astrid, who could speak Spanish. She invited me out to the Richmond mall to meet her friend Carolina, who I found out could also speak Spanish. I resigned myself to the fact that once again I would feel like an outcast via language. However, to my surprise they both took my "monolingualism" into consideration. Carolina had trouble speaking English but she tried, and anything she spoke in Spanish Astrid translated for me. I felt so much better and really appreciated their consideration.

Essentially, I think, it boils down to manners. It's no different than poor table manners, which shows disrespect for those with whom you are eating. Speaking a language you know your guests or companions don't know is disrespectful because it indicates to them that you don't care how they feel...

Alright, that ended up being something of a venting session...it's something that's been bothering me since I went to Vancouver. Bad manners just hit a nerve with me.

Forever and a day

I'm working on a few posts which are taking nothing short of FOREVER! Every time I have a burst of inspiration I'm in the worst place and can never write the idea down. Then when I go to write about it...it's inexplicably gone! Ahh! I'm going insane over this.

Maybe I'm just concerned about what I'm writing about...Anger and it's forms...and split selves...and whether or not anyone cares to hear about it. And I know that shouldn't matter, but it's just an annoying paranoia I can't seem to get over. I feel terribly boring and out of sorts these days, and I'm not entirely sure why. Everything I try to say comes out very inarticulately. And even the things I do manage to get out of my head don't seem worth the effort...

Maybe I should just write about safe things...like shoes, books and muffin tops (By the way, $2.60 at Tooks on Cook will get you a decent cup of coffee and the best muffin in Victoria...it's my morning special.) I don't know...but something has gotta give soon or I'll go mad.

This is tragic...and slightly pathetic.

How to deal with telemarketers...

I love this piece of dialogue. I found this while searching for quotes online. I was never much of a fan of Seinfeld, but it had some really great moments, like this one for example.

Jerry: This isn't a good time.
Telemarketer: When would be a good time to call back, sir?
Jerry: I have an idea, why don't you give me your home number and I'll call you back later?
Telemarketer: Umm, we're not allowed to do that.
Jerry: Oh, I guess because you don't want strangers calling you at home.
Telemarketer: Umm, no.
Jerry: Well, now you know how I feel.
[hangs up phone]

I think that is great...it's the perfect response!

PS: Another result from my searches today: the "mutants" from John Wyndham's The Chrysalids are called "deviations." I have to read that book again...I can't believe my memory failed me so horribly.